Decision time.

Making/taking decisions doesn't come easily for me. It's hard stuff, concerning all things, whether it be ordering a pizza, buying a new top or changing cars. It takes time and a lot of processing of ALL the what-if's and what-about's... Usually I stick to what I know or have (i.e. same pizza, no top), or I let other's decide (you know better, I trust you!(?)). But, this past week I made one decision! A huge one, one that's been brewing for a while now and that I've finally realised as ready-brewed and actually needing to be made...so...I made it! I decided, and realised that I neeeeed to make more 'cause it feels kinda good to have made one. :) It sort of forces me to take that next step and plan ahead on the step taken, rather than be stuck and pondering or what would/will/might happen if I take the step or not. My metaphorical foot was really tired and needed putting down and now the other foot can be tortured for a wee while 'til I've made yet another decision... I think that perhaps making one decision will in turn make making another one less difficult and perhaps it is making decisions is what will get the snowball rolling...? ...or (which I much more prefer than the winter symbolism) the Light shining...??

What decision did I make then you might wonder...? Well...it was probably one of the hardest ones I think I've ever had to make, one I never thought I would make.

I decided that with all things going on right now studying at university is just too damn hard. It broke my heart, more than a little bit, to realise this but I also realised that it's OK and it wouldn't be breaking my heart if I was on the wrong path. I know now, for sure that I want to teach and I'm going to teach...but... it'll have to wait for a little bit.

I need a break.

I need to find my footing again and find a way for studying to give me energy the way it has been previously. Recently I've just felt unfocused and drained, unexcited and...drained. The usual energy boost that studying has given me has just been lost with all that's been going on so...

I've given myself a break.

I'm going back to work ('til at least Jan. 2012) where my mind doesn't have to be ON all the time (sad but true) and where I can just go and do and I don't have to plan and figure things out or stress and worry about exams and papers etc. that are due and so on and so on. Planning, figuring, stress and worry I get plenty of anyways at home at the mo and I need home to be much less stressful to have and get energy to study.

It was a difficult decision to make (why start easy, eh?)...but, maybe, hopefully (?) it was necessary to make this one to be able to take the next step ahead. I am by no means thrilled about it but it does feel necessary and making it has made it easier for me to breathe and I desperately need some breathing space right now...